Musings During my Long Ass Break

I am still not back at college. I know, right? Ridiculous... But what better time than now to revive the blog?!

In times like this, my mind wanders. It wanders to odd, far away places and thinks about ridiculous things that you would never even consider. So I will now share these with you.

1) Starbuck's Via

Don't advertise your product as the second coming of Christ in a Cup and then give me a packet full of cocoa-caine that makes what is, at best, a shitty cup of coffee. It smells good for 5 seconds, just long enough to trick you, and then you take a sip. What you get is the dirty water from Africa that Starbucks replaces every time I buy a bottle of that Ethos water, from Starbucks (don't try to trick me). Imagine everything you love about Starbucks coffee, but without the flavor, aroma and body of a cup of coffee. It's coffee flavored water, just like any other instant coffee. You just ground it up smaller, don't bullshit a bullshitter.

It took you 30 years to come up with it? Don't hold your breath trying to make me sympathize. This makes me resent how bad it is more.

The advertising campaign is my favorite part, because Starbuck's basically told me that I would pour in hot water and receive a cup of gold flakes, smiles, rainbows and caffeine. I got a cup of diluted mud.

The advertisements are so ludicrous, that I have taken the liberty of planning out the next few for them:

1. Water goes in, and a phoenix flies out, raining coffee from the heavens and making my room smell like cinnamon.

2. Claim that Starbuck's Via makes you piss Espresso and frothed milk.

3. Starbuck's Via is soon replacing Holy Water at baptisms.

4. Bathing in Starbuck's Via makes you bulletproof.

5. If you concentrate on a location and take a sip of Via, then click your heels together, you will teleport there, greeted by the President of your nation of choice and 6-7 topless models sponge washing a Camaro.

Oh, and when you get to the bottom of the cup, spoiler alert, there's a shitload of undissolved powder. Just like Oval-tine, but without the childhood memories.

2. Old Spice Deodorant

Old Spice is the original manly scent. Really? Did our forefathers smell like Old Spice? The answer, for the purpose of this section of the post, is yes.

Fun facts about Old Spice:

- Thomas Jefferson used Old Spice Deodorant to woo his... diverse selection of wives (It's black history month, let's keep it light).

- The Boston Tea party was actually a dumping of 15 tons of Old Spice into the Atlantic, which pissed off the British who couldn't eat fish and chips for a year because they smelled like musk.

- The underground railroad was constantly sprayed with Old Spice, because the smell is so manly that it frightens bloodhounds.

- King Henry the Eighth woo'd all six of his wives with Old Spice. Then he forgot to reapply and they tried to leave him. Shit went down.

Anyway, let's randomly shift the first blog post in a long time in a new direction. (Caution: Profanity ahead. Proceed at your own risk, bitch.)

I got my job back at ShopRite during break, and I honestly enjoyed having something to do. I also made a bunch of money to spend in Europe this summer, so I'll go ahead and count my blessings (one).

However, I realized a trend in my behavior as the shifts went on. A transition, if you will, from the cheery cashier you get if you come through my line at the beginning of my shift... to what I like to refer to as "IDGAF Jesse", who appears for the last 45 minutes of a shift.

This name is appropriate, because almost every thought that goes through my head at the end of a shift is succeeded by the phrase "I don't give a fuck".

For example, when bagging groceries. At the beginning of a shift, I will do things like:

- Ask you if you would like paper or plastic, separate your eggs into their own crush proof bag, bag chemicals separately and even smile.

Towards the middle, your eggs are being combined with bread or chips or other light items. Your chemicals are getting wrapped in plastic but then bagged with whatever, and if I smile at you, chances are you're either hot or I just had a large coffee on my break.

Then, the clock strikes that magical time that indicated that I have about 45 minutes left. Those are the longest 45 minutes in the history of life, and my attitude will reflect that. At this point, allow me to share some thoughts that race through my head.

"I'll bag this detergent with these eggs, I don't give a fuck."

"Your chips are getting crushed under this bag of idaho potatoes, idgaf."

"You lunchmeat just fell in the crack on the conveyer belt and is lost forever to the depths below. I.D.G.A.F."

This also applies to returns. At the start of my time returning items to the shelves, I will look feverishly for the exact right place to put them back, and even block off the area where the matching items are to look neat. At the end? "Pasta doesn't belong thrown in with the steamfresh vegetable. Oh well, they're both bagged items. Close enough. Idgaf."

So, that about sums up my break. Random thoughts, returns, and not giving a f%$@ about eggs. I've got another post in the works, look for it in the next few days.

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The Lazy Innovator

There are certain behaviors you get used to living on your own in an apartment, and I feel like it's only right that I share them with you so that you can carry them on to your own place.

1. That isn't a dirty pan, that's just pre-seasoned for next time.

So there's a little bit of oil and some seasonings caked onto the bottom of the saute pan. Instead of wasting your time scrubbing at it with a sponge, why not save time and leave it there. Now you have added flavor and depth in your next food preparation, which builds up in complexity over the years. This process is also very green, saving gallons of water and prevent waste buildup, as well as recycling your spices.

2. Two washers, one dryer

I know you're tight on cash like me, and the extra couple bucks really helps. We all know separating our clothes into delicates and non-delicates is necessary, and I've yet to find a way around that. However, fun fact: they both come out of the washer equally wet. Another fun fact: Dryers are larger than washers. Use a little elbow grease and get all of those clothes into one dryer. This saves money, is environmentally friendly, and will leave all of your clothes slightly damp as proof that they were washed recently.

3. Maximize your soap

More fun facts: adding water to a practically empty soap bottle and shaking it up magically produces a full container of soap for use again! This soap is also less gooey and abrasive. Scientists (and your mom) will claim that this is because it is actually 98% water, even though it was already mostly water to begin with, and does nothing to fight germs. However, life has shown me that there is still a somewhat foam characteristic to "second soap", and therefore I at least have the impression that I am fighting bacteria. The placebo isn't just for drugs anymore.

(Extra tip: The high water concentration in this recycled soap removes the need for water in the hand washing process entirely! Save time, money and mother earth!)

4. Dirty Dish? Looks more like a coaster!

This one is an absolute necessity. That dirty plate full of cake crumbs or a little bit of sauce reside on your desk is so much more. Simply place hot or cold beverages on top of it for an instant coaster! This also preserves the finish on your wooden furniture and reduces the dish washing that you have to do. 

5. Coffee stain, or flavor enhancer?

I make a lot of coffee and tea, and I find washing mugs to be an absolute bitch. Your hand can't fit inside of them, and you waste paper towels trying to McGyver a drying system out of twisted rolls of towel. Kill all those birds with one stone, just leave your mugs stained and put new beverages in them (similar to dirty pans). A small coffee stain adds more flavor to your green tea, and a small green tea stain adds free-radical fighting antioxidants to your coffee!

6. Garbage bags are useless.

Did you know that you can pick up a garbage and simply dump it out? I know! Those plastic liners are a waste of money and a pain in the ass. Just throw paper products away first to force a shield around the sides of your garbage can so that liquid waste doesn't damage the integrity. Once you've done that, simply throw away waste as normal, and dump the can out into a dumpster!

7. Empty beer can, or fancy metal cup?

By simply pouring out the remaining liquid in any can and running hot water through it a few times, you have a clean(ish), shiny new cup for your apartment! Or don't bother emptying it out! A little bit of cherry coke in the bottom of the can does wonders to enhance the taste of your water!

8. Air conditioning, or hair conditioning?

You air conditioning unit utilizes a fan to push cool air throughout your apartment. Take advantage of this feature by placing wet hair in front of it for an instant dry! If your wall or window mounted unit is too high, it doesn't matter! Stand on a chair or desk to get your head to its height and then dry away!

9. Leftovers are leftovers, no matter how small.

Half a slice of pizza, a quarter of a chicken pita and a small bowl of ramen you didn't finish crowding your fridge? Sounds like a feast to me. This international potluck of leftovers combines to form a substantial amount of food, no matter what you're in the mood for! And don't forget, if you're still hungry, you always have fruit snacks.

10. If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down.

Self-explanatory, and if your water bills are piling up, you can always close the door and hit it up with some febreeze. We've all heard of the courtesy flush, but what about the economy (and environmental) lack of flush?

(Bonus: 3 sprays of febreeze = doing laundry. If it doesn't say that on the bottle, it should.)

Fin.

New Jesse, New Blog

This new blog is going to be different. Not just humor up in here, because I don't want to restrict myself, or force funny blog posts when I don't have anything funny to say. However, I will never disappoint, so don't worry. Seriously, stop worrying, its distracting and it makes me uncomfortable.

So what the hell is going to be in Jesse's fancy new, well rounded blog?

I can tell you this about it:

1. I will be posting daily, with either a couple of youtube videos of great music I've found (or funny videos), a quality story from my always interesting life or my opinion/view on something. 

2. Thrown in with all of this will, of course, be a whole lot of humor. 

3. There will be absolutely no pictures of cats. Ever.

4. You should wear a helmet to contain rogue pieces of brain matter from when I blow your mind. Make it easy on the coroners, people, I'm sure they hated working over time cleaning up the mess from my last blog.

5. There will be no discussion of country music. Comments involving/regarding country music will result in me ruining a perfectly good acoustic guitar ironically smacking you in the face with it.

6. You don't talk about my blog.

7. You do not talk about my blog. 

8. I'm kidding, please tell people about my blog. Not yet, but like, after it's good. I'm tired of Perri Weinberg and Kelliann DeCarlo being the only people to offer feedback, because their uncontrollable love for me is causing bias.

9. No Eagles fans.

10. This blog is also available in a white, red, orange and robin's egg blue if the black background throws off the feng shui in your shitty dorm room or apartment.

11. Licking your screen whilst on this page will produce a pleasant pina colada flavor. I'll wait for you to grab some paper towels and windex to clean your screen before moving on. Dumbass.

12. If you even considered number 11, please press the back button on your browser until you are far, far away from my blog.

13. This page not for the blind.

14. Nickelback is the worst band currently recording music, and on pace to prove themselves the shittiest band to achieve mainstream popularity. If you have ever listened to a Nickelback song as a result of your own free will, dig a 7 square foot hole and jump into it.

15. I like the following things, and you should be prepared to hear about them: music (mainly alternative rock, classic rock, folk, bluesish rock, acoustic guitar, and anything else that isn't country), food, cooking, sleeping, coffee, mocking the things I dislike, shenanigans, taquitos, managerial accounting, philosophy, regular bowel movements, comedy, your shoes, movies, opinions (generally my own), having people commend me, off-center humor, off-color humor, beer and you (ok, so maybe you won't be featured on my blog, but my immense celebrity restricts how personal I can get here. Don't be offended).

That's about it. I'll post something tomorrow, hell if I know what. 

Tonight's musical guest: The Black Keys