I am still not back at college. I know, right? Ridiculous... But what better time than now to revive the blog?!
In times like this, my mind wanders. It wanders to odd, far away places and thinks about ridiculous things that you would never even consider. So I will now share these with you.
1) Starbuck's Via
Don't advertise your product as the second coming of Christ in a Cup and then give me a packet full of cocoa-caine that makes what is, at best, a shitty cup of coffee. It smells good for 5 seconds, just long enough to trick you, and then you take a sip. What you get is the dirty water from Africa that Starbucks replaces every time I buy a bottle of that Ethos water, from Starbucks (don't try to trick me). Imagine everything you love about Starbucks coffee, but without the flavor, aroma and body of a cup of coffee. It's coffee flavored water, just like any other instant coffee. You just ground it up smaller, don't bullshit a bullshitter.
It took you 30 years to come up with it? Don't hold your breath trying to make me sympathize. This makes me resent how bad it is more.
The advertising campaign is my favorite part, because Starbuck's basically told me that I would pour in hot water and receive a cup of gold flakes, smiles, rainbows and caffeine. I got a cup of diluted mud.
The advertisements are so ludicrous, that I have taken the liberty of planning out the next few for them:
1. Water goes in, and a phoenix flies out, raining coffee from the heavens and making my room smell like cinnamon.
2. Claim that Starbuck's Via makes you piss Espresso and frothed milk.
3. Starbuck's Via is soon replacing Holy Water at baptisms.
4. Bathing in Starbuck's Via makes you bulletproof.
5. If you concentrate on a location and take a sip of Via, then click your heels together, you will teleport there, greeted by the President of your nation of choice and 6-7 topless models sponge washing a Camaro.
Oh, and when you get to the bottom of the cup, spoiler alert, there's a shitload of undissolved powder. Just like Oval-tine, but without the childhood memories.
2. Old Spice Deodorant
Old Spice is the original manly scent. Really? Did our forefathers smell like Old Spice? The answer, for the purpose of this section of the post, is yes.
Fun facts about Old Spice:
- Thomas Jefferson used Old Spice Deodorant to woo his... diverse selection of wives (It's black history month, let's keep it light).
- The Boston Tea party was actually a dumping of 15 tons of Old Spice into the Atlantic, which pissed off the British who couldn't eat fish and chips for a year because they smelled like musk.
- The underground railroad was constantly sprayed with Old Spice, because the smell is so manly that it frightens bloodhounds.
- King Henry the Eighth woo'd all six of his wives with Old Spice. Then he forgot to reapply and they tried to leave him. Shit went down.
Anyway, let's randomly shift the first blog post in a long time in a new direction. (Caution: Profanity ahead. Proceed at your own risk, bitch.)
I got my job back at ShopRite during break, and I honestly enjoyed having something to do. I also made a bunch of money to spend in Europe this summer, so I'll go ahead and count my blessings (one).
However, I realized a trend in my behavior as the shifts went on. A transition, if you will, from the cheery cashier you get if you come through my line at the beginning of my shift... to what I like to refer to as "IDGAF Jesse", who appears for the last 45 minutes of a shift.
This name is appropriate, because almost every thought that goes through my head at the end of a shift is succeeded by the phrase "I don't give a fuck".
For example, when bagging groceries. At the beginning of a shift, I will do things like:
- Ask you if you would like paper or plastic, separate your eggs into their own crush proof bag, bag chemicals separately and even smile.
Towards the middle, your eggs are being combined with bread or chips or other light items. Your chemicals are getting wrapped in plastic but then bagged with whatever, and if I smile at you, chances are you're either hot or I just had a large coffee on my break.
Then, the clock strikes that magical time that indicated that I have about 45 minutes left. Those are the longest 45 minutes in the history of life, and my attitude will reflect that. At this point, allow me to share some thoughts that race through my head.
"I'll bag this detergent with these eggs, I don't give a fuck."
"Your chips are getting crushed under this bag of idaho potatoes, idgaf."
"You lunchmeat just fell in the crack on the conveyer belt and is lost forever to the depths below. I.D.G.A.F."
This also applies to returns. At the start of my time returning items to the shelves, I will look feverishly for the exact right place to put them back, and even block off the area where the matching items are to look neat. At the end? "Pasta doesn't belong thrown in with the steamfresh vegetable. Oh well, they're both bagged items. Close enough. Idgaf."
So, that about sums up my break. Random thoughts, returns, and not giving a f%$@ about eggs. I've got another post in the works, look for it in the next few days.
